Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ovenchild's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Friday, November 26th, 2004
12:44 am	Thanksgiving To The Friends I Adore, Today is really an amazing day for me. I sit back and i look at my thanksgiving and i have so much to be thankful for today. Today i was able to come to terms with my future and my past. Tuesday night Kaitlyn called me and came by my house. How do i describe kaitlyn? I don't even know how to begin, she's my angel. I don't necessarily beleive that one person was put on this earth for each and every person but i truly beleive she's here for me. She always made me want to be just a little bit of a better person, she's smart, she's beautiful, and man is she funny. She is all i ever wanted in life. But that's a lie because, as much as i want to be with her. I never truly saw it as feesible. And i don't even know if that's the truth, after 4 years i don't know what the truth is, can you beleive that. All i know is my eye's burn when i think that she's back, what i mean by back is, i fucked up...and i fucked up pretty bad. I was on top of the world when we were friends going to concerts, weddings, watching movies, i was going to washington and she stayed over until 4am when i had to go to the airport cause she wouldn't see me all weekend. I was never happier in my life then when we friends, but on my 21st birthday i had to come to terms with alot of things. I knew i was thinking about her every hour on the hour, and admit to myself that we might never be together, i never dated anyone, i mean why would i want too, she was perfect, i couldn't find better. Imagine what that's like...the time together was amazing, but how could i ever be happy. I didn't know and i felt like i was suffering, and a month before we were going to disneyland i stumbled onto something i wasn't supposed to see and i used that as an excuse to break things off. I was proud of myself, i mean i don't care who you are, that has to be impressive to do that. I felt like a better person for a week, but it was artifical, because the thoughts never went away, i still looked at our pictures, held on the Build-a-bear she gave me a year before, tighter then before. My skies took on a shade of grey, i became bitter, and negative. The last 2 years i was looking for something to grab onto because i was lost, i couldn't focus on school, i was doing bad at work, and i was depressed. This week things started to turn around, i realized the direction for my future, i am on a new ridalin that keeps me more awake, my job is going great, and i don't know if i will ever forget the feeling of hugging her for the first time in 2 years out of my head. I don't know if was harder to hold back from crying when she appeared from the shadows and hugged me or when i sit and think about how much i missed her. She's in town for the weekend for thanksgiving i am sure i will get to see her before she leaves again, even if i don't i'm still happy, i hope she makes it out to my friends party tomorrow/tonight because all my friends will be home for thanksgiving and i would love them to meet the girl i have been talking about for the last 3 years. I don't want to say i "have" her back because i never "had" her, but i think now that i am 22 instead of 18, i can handle these feelings and as miserable as i was these last few years i think i learned ALOT about myself and i am sure if your reading this it's because your my friend and you like the person i am today. I guess i never really understood the meaning of thanksgiving until this year. Current Mood: thankful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2004
12:21 pm	I Don't understand Ok, i've pretty much come to deal with the fact that right now i am in a "Depression" it's just a phase...it fucken happens...and i just want to be left alone. It just kills me how my communication professors don't think and yell at me about it. They signed me up to do two events at the tournament this weekend. Why would they do that ok so, I HAVE had my INFO for a long time...ok...my bad, My Prose has been cut and e-mailed to me a week ago...i should be ready, but i'm not so...i am never around in the squadroom...which means i might be busy (i thought we could work at our own pace). I haven't ran my info for a coach yet so what would mean i probably haven't finished it, I haven't been by rollands office to pick up slicks so it's probably not in my book, The sheet Jill printed up is still on her door...so i might not have even touched it yet, Rolland Straight Up said "you don't have any events yet!!" so why the fuck would you sign me up for 2 events if you KNOW i am not ready. I seriously don't even want to do this anymore...i'm in a shitty mood...my friends are all starting to move and go to school and i'm still here, one of my best friends is shipped out to Georgia, he won't be back for a year minimum unless he gets shipped to IRAQ in which he will have a week back before he Jumps out of a plane behind enemey lines. I ditched out on everything this weekend to see him in SD and was crying the whole way home. My speech is fucken technical and it's hard for me to grasp, because i have so much other shit, so that makes me feel like shit, All i want to do is play video games because on my PS2 my friends aren't moving away, it's where i'm good, it's what i can do where i'm the best, it's my world, it's my home and it takes me away from all this shit without drugs or alcohol...Rolland says "you disappear and don't tell anyone whats going on" it's my business i don't have to tell anyone what's going on, i don't want anyone's help, i want to be left alone, i think it's pretty obvious the way i sit at home all day and all night that i don't want to talk to anyone...i just want to be left alone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 20th, 2004
8:27 pm	Discouraged ok, i don't get it...Jill and i are friends but i feel like she has absolutly no faith in me. I first brought up the topic of mars to Jill and she said "it won't work" so then i mentioned i was working on INFO with Jill to Roland and he's like "bring it to me" and he said "i like it but what we need to decide is this this and this" so we outlined it and i brought it to him and he was like "wow you did a great job" i changed a couple of things...time it and we'll go with it. So then i got this great idea to do a Drama from M*A*S*H*, i haven't decided what part or how to go with it, but i was thinking with the war and all it would be good, they don't agree with the war, and the show is based on ethical princaples vs. regulations. i mean come on...how good would that be for Me...i'm not an actor, and i would have a ton of material to choose from. So she agree's with me on that but says "it needs to have a reason why after all these years we are using a M*A*S*H* script" why do we need a reason, because it would be a well written piece of Literature with meaning (i don't know who has seen the show) and i mentioned it might it the 25 years since that last episode. She said "ok, find something that goes with IRAQ" again...why...Fag and Andy from Palamar did great with a Everyone Loves Raymond thing, Paul Golded Rat Pack stuff, i don't understand why I have to have 100 different criteria's for something to work for her?? (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 19th, 2004
11:30 pm	so i have to agree with Kasey...the seminar was gay in the ass...even the RT which i love was boring to me...but i have been able to increase my hate list...I hate tony matta, however you spell his name...Michael Adams isn't funny...he's fat...and nicoles stalker/boyfriend to be has big fucken teeth and i hate him too...warm up around the corner...my speech is NO WHERE near presentable...hopefully i will get it down before warm up or i am not going...i know i know it's a warm up but i have been working too long and too hard on this speech (in waiting) that i will not present it to my mom even until i am ready to show it to anyone.. Kill Whitey (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 12th, 2004
10:57 pm	It's been along time i haven't really had the time to say anything in a really long time but i thought i would come out cause i don't have anyone to really share my thoughts with so i figured i might as well share them with myself. I watched the movie "The girl nextdoor" today for the first time and i was expecting a stupid american pie type movie that had just sex and nudity, which i guess it had...it was kinda cheesy...more of a mix between 100 girls and American pie, but something really stuck out at me. The interactions between Danielle and matt. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Danielle is a once porn star who has never felt love as anything more then on screen sex and matt is president of the class who never did anything exciting. He falls for her and finds out she is a porn star and treats her like an object, either way he fucks it all up and she feels that if Matt couldn't make her feel like a person nobody else would and she falls back into the life of an object. I guess it kinda hit me wierd because i used to be like him and i went for the girl that people treated like an object and the way i acted and looked at her really was different and she didn't appriate that. I am not really sure where i am going too much with this but the way he must have felt when we was with the only person in the world he's ever wanted to be with, it's like something came back after all these years and i had that feeling again for just a second and it's fucken crazy cause i don't know how to feel about that. I have spent the last few years not thinking i was able to have that feeling i kinda forgot how much i missed it. I have never felt so confused cause i loved it and i want to get it back, but at the same time i have been on a ton of dates and been with girls and i just don't feel like i will ever have that again (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
9:27 am	i was at a bar last week and i got in a fight with a navy seal. I started off really good before he started fighting...then it really became a brawl. next thing i remember i was crying on the toilet, not that big girl i just ran out of ice cream crying...i was really crying, so then out of no where i look down and here comes navy seal man swimming up the toilet into my ass...making me do things. i like that story cause it starts off manly and ends kinda queer. now i here it all the time "hey you talk about gay things alot...maybe your gay!" "you referance gay things...i think you might be gay" and i say "shut up voice in my head, i know i'm not gay" then i hear "how do you know you might not like it...how do you know you won't love it" "i know i won't like it or love it because one time a year ago i had a breif gardening accident with a banana peel and a cucumber" at a time like that you need to things...a strong pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret...thanks kasey (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
11:51 am	HEY FUCKERS!!! ************************************************************************************ -Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention- Who said it would be a great idea to make forensics a 2 fucken unit class...are you fucken kidding me!!! i'm am registered for 9 units, with forensics it will be 11 units...1 unit short of Car insurance shit... SOOOOOO this is where you come in...i am looking to take a class that starts after 10am and ends before 3pm on MW...if anyone is taking a class that isn't bullshit about american Indians....let me know -Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention-Attention- ************************************************************************************ (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 14th, 2004
2:47 pm	WOW so i have been distant for a while now, i have kinda taken a look at my life and whats going on. I am usually not one to be involved around drama but it seems to be everywhere, either people on Speech are a bit upset with eachother, my friend emily is like in love with my friend matt, he just wants to be good friends and he just likes to chill so he does his own thing like he is allowed and calls her to hang out late at night when he is done doing whatever and everyone is mad about that...why? she should be doing the same...that what FRIENDS do. So either way i have been at moorpark far too long and i finnaly got my GPA respectable, i enrolled in 8 classes my first year and said fuck it to all of them cause i didn't want to be in school and spent the time since then fixing them, i have 2 more to go. So anyway i have been trying to stay away from drama and negative crap. I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Dave who i have known since i was 5 years old, we played ghost busters together and i love his brothers. We have been chopping tree's in his backyard and making fires and just chillen. I have been drinking way too much, i need to slow down a bit, i'm not in mexico. I have been working my ass off and it's like i can do no wrong at work, i am making great money, for the first time in a really long time i feel like my old self, I met this girl who i served the other night with her mom or something and she was SOOOO cool...are personalities really clicked and i ended up staying a while later then i should have to "play" with them. I feel wierd about being a server and giving my number to a table so i didn't, i took the bill and cirlced my name and the store number, and put the days i work down and if she is interested...she'll find me, if not...no harm done, they tipped me $10, but i really feel good, i haven't sat infront of my computer in days, i don't even take my cell phone with me all the time cause i don't care, i'm out having fun and when i am having fun i don't care about anything...i hope everyone is doing just as well Mike (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
8:08 am	Reasons Why The Lakers Shouldn't Win 1. luke Walton has the 1st quarter of his fucken life, 7 points 7 assists or some shit, everything he touches turns to gold...i mean my god LUKE WALTON went COAST TO COAST, and they take him out after the 1st quarter..."Good Job...hit the showers" 2. Devean George is an idiot...he should not be playing over Luke Walton...Luke is like Madsen but good 3. People Realized They Gave Cook a jersey...that guy shouldn't see the light of day...he wouldn't play on my CYBA team 4. Everybody can sit and talk about how great Kobe is, but he took SOOO many fucken stupid shots this game, he made every shot look SOOO ugly that i thought there was :01 second left on the shot clock...but there was 15 in most cases. I think it's funny that he got LUCKY and made the last shot because if he didn't ESPN radio would be talking about what bad shots he was taking...like they did at 1/2 time, and the 3 quarter, but all of a sudden he makes a shot so he's amazing...at the last minute he DID make a great shot and when it's important but if he wasn't trying to prove to the investors he could carry a team the whole time, we wouldn't be watching these fucken last minute shots...that game should of been 100-89 4th quarter thats it. 5. Gary Payton needs to be back in Seattle...It's obvious he DOES NOT want to be here I love the lakers like anyone else, but you can't be watching these games and tell me that they want to win as much as the Pistons...they probably will win, but i won't be upset if they don't Plans For Next Season Karl Malone needs to sit under the basket and NOT MOVE, just pass him the ball so he can get his record and retire his OLD ASS or get him his flat top back and zap him in the ass when he starts playing like guys at 24 hour fitness (Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
9:11 pm	Lost So i have kinda been lost the last week or so, not really sure why, i haven't felt the need to go out and do anything, see anyone, talk to anyone, i don't really know how to describe it, i feel like i want to crawl down a bottle of Vodka but i don't have a reason too, i don't have any one thing i can point to that makes me feel upset. I've been doing my own thing...seen some friends along the way, kinda been playing video games not really giving a shit about the hereafter. Depressing Current Mood: Spaced Out (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 27th, 2004
3:54 pm	Don't Eat The Bagels Dear Keith, I played VIDEO games for hours sprained my thumb, i have carpal tunnel...this morning my thumb is healed, but it hurts to jerk it so i learned to do it with my other hand...Unfortunately i fight like a bitch and was never asked to be in "Fight Club" Therefore i can't respectfully resign from your "Fight Club". However if i get upset i will go back to crying and wining like a baby bitch Your Friend, Mike Current Mood: dirty (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
11:20 pm	INSOMNIA You cant be let down if you dont expect the world expect to lay awake and by your sleeping girl if somebody cares then there is no way you can tell cursed consciousness is your private hell Along the way to close my eyes I lost where I was going the more it will spin the more that I try to stop my mind flowing away to all that I despise along the way to close my eyes Tick, tick, tick the clock bludgeons your mind endlessly replaying times that were unkind go away sun Im not prepared for you today Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
12:38 am	Strength Through Wounding So i have been trying to make my entries more wise and meaning full because i will go back and read this...So this last week has been rough for me, my dad got some kind of an inner ear virus and has bad vertigo...so it hasn't been the best living with him...i can't blame him...it must suck to be living in a haze. I am going with him to help him work tomorrow morning before i go to work, not my favorite thing to do but whatever. So i went to Fresca's Grad...that was actually alot of fun...i don't like ceremonies, but the crew was there and we went out to BJ's after words. So then i went to work and i guess they are having a problem with bad language around customers...so now when we cuss we owe $1...i owe $53 after one day...that's fucken special...they won't fire me though...i hope. So there was actually some really cool shit to do this week...i felt so good because Fresca got a DVD burner and for the first time i really got to teach all the knowledge i knew. I got to teach about compression, file structure, frame rates, and bitmap enchancing...stuff that nobody else might understand but it's kinda been my thing for a couple years now...it isn't something that you can go out and learn cause your not supposed to know how to do, so we learned the HARD way and developed methods...so i finally got to show somebody what it has taken us a couple of years of research to develop and do. Whatelse happened...i dropped an "L" bomb on a friend, but i think she took in context, it wasn't a "i am hopelessly in love with you and want to be with you forever" "L" bomb, it was more of an "i love you as my friend and i have your back in the darkest of days" and i felt SOOO good about saying that because i adore my friends and i think sometimes i take them for granted and i don't tell them enough...so if nothing else i feel that clarifies my advice to little alan...but i have kinda been dancing in my own misery and i think i see the light at the end of the tunnel. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Hoobastank - Escape (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
1:10 am	The Perfect Women i have spent countless hours sitting around with my friends talking about meeting the perfect women, and how i am looking for a girl with a whole list of qualities. I hear alot of the other way around as well, don't really know what to say about that really...i mean she doesn't exist...neither does he...and i have news for you...if he/she does exist...he/she is taken by somebody who doesn't deserve them. So here is what i have pretty much figured out at my old age, figured it out a while ago but haven't practiced it. Basically i will find the perfect girl. But she won't be perfect because she has the best looks, the best personality, the best manors, the best singing voice, best dance skills, and my religious faith which is none. Why the hell would i find her...i'm not the best looking, i'm an asshole, my grammer sucks, my singing sounds like rolands eating, i drink my dance skills, and my only faith is that i will wake up the next morning. Who the fuck would want me. What makes me worthy of the perfect girl. Nothing does and if i saw her i would i even know? So fuck it! I want a girl that's perfect for me. I want a girl that makes me feel like we are the only 2 people on this planet. I want a girl that makes me laugh when i do something stupid, but makes sure i am ok when she realizes i am hurt doing something stupid, i want a girl who is beautiful by my standards and my standards alone...fuck society and their idea of a perfect women...i feel sorry for anyone that still thinks they will find her...nobody will ever be perfect, love people for who they are not what you hope they will be Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Kill Whitey - Alot Of Black People (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 24th, 2004
12:16 pm	MATT RAPPINGS BIRTHDAY MY HOUSE SATURDAY NIGHT AROUND 10ish...i gotta work (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 16th, 2004
9:53 pm	Asprin Free Gotta get up Gotta open my eyes I'm swimming through this haze That's been around me for days Don't wanna come down But you were always around And everyone's so strange There is nothing that they can change Take my hand Show me how this all fits in your plan Understand That i don't need you I just need to Feel how does it feel To crush the world in two One last time And I Am wasted Feel how does it feel To scream without a sound One more time And I'm Still wasted Get me away I'm thinking maybe someday You'll find out who I am But you don't give a damn Closing my eyes It's all the same to me What I don't want to know Is what I'm not going to see Watch the world stop I drop put my finger on it Thinking back to the day you said I could get up on it Say that you have changed I'm the same just a little loaded Comin' in out of phase lost my place Now I know I've blown it Fall into a sea of your distress And I confess that I take less than your best But you don't want To give it away today Blue sky grey Nothing that you say Take another trip Take another fall Take it all away Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
11:22 pm	Thank You *This Post Is Replacing A Poem That Was Meant To Be Seen By Few Because I Think It Was Too Personal So this past week has been just an influx of emotions, i have gone from extreme feelings of Anger, to Extreme Feelings of joy, down to low states of depression. I grew up playing hockey in pretty extreme conditions, our team was the BEST and i was the youngest player. The way my hockey team was, if you had a problem with somebody, it was a team problem, as soon as tension surfaced, the captian would gather the team in a circle, but the 2 people in the center and they would unload on eachother, sometimes it would result in fights, and we'd let it go until the first knee touched the ground. Sometimes i would win, and sometimes i would lose, but whatever it was never lasted past that. I understand this isn't my old hockey team, but those are my roots and thats how i solve them. Now, my personal emotions i will handle on my own, but i would like to say thank you to a few people. They are people who to me have proven themselves real friends for no other reason then personal support. You see, I don't expect anyone to agree with what was said over the last week, i don't want anyone to take sides, because when people fight like this...there is no right or wrong. But what i do expect is for my friends to stand by me as a person and respect my views. Leigh: your the first person i want to say thank you for being my friend. I wasn't really sure how to handle this, i got fraustrated early and you were the first person who said "do what you have to do, but make sure you keep smiling" and i did, you agreed i had the right to be mad in my view but you never said my view was right, and when everyone kinda jumped and told me i was wrong for saying it the way i did, you were the first person to have my back and i sincerely thank you for that Paul: i never told you what i was going to do and i am sure you weren't expecting it to be as ugly as it was, but you also told me to do what i need to do as a person and you never judged my comments or style, but again stood by me as a person and didn't let friendships be changed based on opinions. I thank you too. Nicole: i knew you felt in the middle because you were close with both sides, and you jumped on me right away for saying what i said, but at the same time i think i saw you later that night and you gave me a hug without thinking twice, you wanted to go with me to night of Interp which was the first time i saw alot of people since, but you weren't going to sit to show sides, but sit with me as my friend and i think you for that. Max: You told me flat out you didn't think how i handled it was right, but you never put your money down on either side, you told me i handled it like a little girl, but that was after you invited me to watch the laker game with you, CJ, and Dinelo, so thank you CJ and Max for having my back as a person. I would like to thank most everyone else who feels the same way as they do, for not feeling that their even exist borders on either side, because i can't and won't speak for Keyon but as much as we clearly don't like eachother i am not going to put up a wall between us because it's not going to prove anything. We walked by eachother in the halls the last night and looked eachother from what i thought was eye to eye until the last 15-20 feet, which is pretty damn impressive on both ends with all things considering. Again...thank you everyone for your support as a friend Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
5:07 pm	Hey Leigh Can I Get A "Fuck You Cunt" For Max Going Rafting And Missing The Lakers?? Current Mood: disappointed (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 14th, 2004
6:01 pm	The Art Of Drowning welcome the whole new pain and take comfort in all you've become. i waved as i passed myself along the way. i have arrived so unashamed, but my reflection no longer looks the same. it seems much dimmer now, it seems so dim. just stumble and fall into a world that's overcrowded. and you will find me. won't recognize me; i won't recognize myself. i have arrived so unashamed, but all my senses no longer seem the same. i can sense everything. my sight's so clear. in an instant, my life just slipped away. i fought for life the whole time you were holding me down. you watched me dying. holding me down, you brought my rebirth. (Comment on this)
5:54 pm	Life Goes On Dear you What's your name? When did we start this crazy game? Pull up a chair Grab a drink I need something not to make me think And all in all It's all the same The days go on and on Eleven days and forty nights When's the last time that we kissed goodnight? I want to know who you're laughing with I want to know that there's more than this But all in all It's all the same It goes on and on Because you're far away Jut like yesterday Wait to see you smile And I'll be gone So far away Never ending day Drive a million miles And I'll be gone a while I never thought it would come to this I never thought of all the stupid shit I'd miss The way you looked when I made you mad We never missed the things that we never had And all the talk and all the time Life goes on and on (Comment on this)